RED CARD, MOTHERFUCKER

PREMISE 1: I love Spank Rock. YoYoYoYoYo was one of my albums of 2006 (if it hadn't had to compete with the all-conquering perfection of Joanna Newsom* and that Sunn O)))/Boris collaboration, one of would be completely unnecessary), with its filthy fresh rhymes and hippedy hop beats. It made me feel good, and it made me feel good about feeling good.

PREMISE 2: I also love Panda Bear. Charlie will attest to this, but the set that he played shortly after wandering on stage at the Oran Mor late last year and explaining that Animal Collective wouldn't be playing, but he'd just do a solo set and try his best, was one of the warmest, most gorgeous experiences I've had in a long time, all wide-eyed sweetness and enveloping reverb. He created a cosy, dark space that had nothing to do with the physical constraints of the Oran Mor, and we sat in it with him for an hour or so, and nothing was wrong in the world.

CONCLUSION 1: I'm a fan of pretty noises. I'm a fan of party music. I'm also a fan of recontextualising sounds and taking them to places that their creators might not have expected them to end up.

So I think that it is completely reasonable for me to stand up, hand on heart, and say, not in idle snark, not in blind rage, but in righteous fucking indignation:

WHAT IN THE EVER-LIVING NAME OF FUCKING FUCK IS THIS?

Well, okay, it is a) a remix of Panda Bear's Comfort in Nautica, by Spank Rock producer Armani XXXchange.

More importantly, though, it is also b) a disgusting affront to everything that is right and good in the world. A remix is meant to take the spirit of the original and reimagine it in a new context, adding depth to the original by pulling it apart and putting it back together, finding out what really makes it tick. So, shall we see how well Armani XXXchange did?

Panda Bear - Comfy in Nautica - a vast, impeccably constructed throb at the heart of the world, topped off with faux-naive chants and hand-claps. An absolutely timeless, outsider quality, despite its experimentalist nature. Wonderfully childish lyrics that read like a semi-coherent, updated version of Rudyard Kipling's If. A work of fucking art.

Panda Bear - Comfy in Nautica (XXXchange Remix) - personality-free Euro-beat dross suitable for mulleted fucks and car adverts.

What's the matter, Armani? Did you just go "Oh, man, I've been working on this for like ninety minutes now, and it still sounds like shit! Oh, I know. I'll just slap some Panda Bear samples over the top and be done with it. I'll call it a remix. I'll just put them… um… Oh, who gives a fuck, I'll just put them anywhere. It'll still get on Pitchfork. Right! Time for some cocaine." What right do you have to call this a remix? If I took the guitar loop from Bros and slapped it on top of that Basshunter single, could I fuck models as well?

Okay, that's probably enough words wasted on this pile of shit. I'll leave it with this: the next Spank Rock album had better be excellent. Otherwise I'm coming round there with a roll of gaffer tape and some fucking bolt cutters.

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*deal, haters